Individualism vs collectivism in conflict management PART 1

Individualism : Concept that all values, rights, and duties originate in individuals and, therefore, the interests of the individuals are (or ought to be) ethically paramount as opposed to those of an abstract entity such as society.*

Collectivism : Personal or social orientation that emphasizes the good of the group, community, or society over and above individual gain.*

My story 

I can say that I lived in both type of societies. I was born in Romania in 1981, a communist country until the revolution in 1989 when its dictator Ceausescu was executed. I was a child in the 80s but still remember a lot from my Romanian years. It was a collectivist society but not always the loving, caring one like a big family. Everybody was supposed to have the same things, you couldn't own anything, no real possessions, no real property. Your apartment wasn't really yours, you lived in the government's building, there were food rations and people had nearly the same salary from the fabric worker to the university teacher. At the same time sharing the little things you had with your family, your friends and your neighbors was not a question of choice. You had to in order to survive. In winter the government would cut your electricity and your hot water to save money. If you didn't have a candle left or some gas you were doomed if you couldn't go see a friend or a neighbor and borrow some of their things. My experience of collectivism was not all bad it made relations stronger, people bonded together and were generous with each other. Still was it really a choice or mere necessity?

Then in the 90s I moved to Canada. I had to learn that people have their own things, they possessed their house, their car, etc. It was theirs and there was no obligation to share with anybody. And then as I grew older I realized that a big part of the legislative system is aimed at helping them protect what they have and the more they have the more they want to protect it and make sure that other people don't take it away from them. That is part of an individualistic society where the individual is valued above the social entity. Now the social bond is less present in the human relations and people make choices regarding their own interests first. 

As conflict resolution consultants we have to understand what are a person's values are in order to maintain the respect in all the interactions and to enable a good communication process. We also have to understand and think about where we come from to better acknowledge our biases and limits as professionals and as individuals. 

(* from http://www.businessdictionary.com/definition/individualism.html)

A ''brave new world'' of human connections

During the first year of my master I had a teacher who used to be a very renowned lawyer and was now teaching transformative conflict resolution strategies. One day after class I asked her why she gave up such a promising career as a lawyer to teach transformative mediation. Her answer was simple and short: because I never felt that I really solved a conflict I just fixed it. 

Conflict resolution is an art, a science and a knowledge that is universal. Everywhere around the world, every minute there are conflicts and people try to manage them and to solve them. The skills needed to succeed in a conflict intervention are based on dialogue and a wire of human connections. Every emotion has its place in an interaction between people who try to communicate, to understand each other and to build a world of possibilities based on respect and empathy. Nonetheless sometimes we just need somebody to assist us in highlighting the positive and universal capacity of human beings to connect to each other. 

Now I understand better what my teacher meant by wanting to really solve a conflict and not only fixing it; she wanted to address more than the legal issue, she needed to repair the lost human connection. 

Empowering the living, disempowering the dead

Conflicts between two or more living persons are sometimes very difficult to manage. So imagine when the conflict continues after death! And when that conflict poisons your life and influence your everyday choices, sometimes you just have to seek help before ghosts of the past destroy your present. 

But the afterlife of an unsolved conflict happens more often than we want to acknowledge it. As  mediators how many times did we have the impression that some dormant and unspoken issues of our clients' lives come to haunt them and affect the outcome of the mediation?

I met many cases especially in the business world, and mostly in family businesses, where a son, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a business partner cannot take the responsibility of their present decisions and settlements because of a dead father, mother, uncle, brother, partner that they were afraid to disappoint even after his (her) death.

Empowering the living, disempowering the dead also means to invest in the present and the future and let go of the past when needed. 

Conflict resolution and War

Some days ago I came across some videos of Roger Fisher and William Ury two of the most renowned negotiators in the world. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger_Fisher_(academic)

Is war inevitable? Is it possible to always negotiate peace? When should we stop talking and start acting?

These questions are so important in a world where negotiating peace means to negotiate the survival of humankind. 

Indeed we have enough weapons to blow up the entire planet. But we don't really have enough peace negotiators.


Everybody should have Fisher's and Ury's book Getting to Yes. This book is central in learning the interest-based negotiation skills and to work towards peace.

 Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In

The hands in the cookie jar

Lately I came across this surprising Forbes article titled : America's Most Surprising Six-Figure Jobs

And here is the surprising part because mediator is one of the 15 jobs they choose:

You might also be surprised to hear that arbitrators and mediators make the six-figure cut for top earners. Their work might sound like just helping settle other people's arguments, but it's also about helping people avoid astronomical legal fees. Most states have no requirements for entering the field of mediation, except in a few cases like handling child custody battles in California, so it could be a relatively easy line of work to get into.

http://www.forbes.com/2009/05/28/surprising-six-figure-careers-leadership-jobs.html
Come on, what is going on in Canada ? Maybe is time for me to buy the mediator and money guidebook or move to America!



How To Make Money as a Mediator (And Create Value for Everyone): 30 Top Mediators Share Secrets to Building a Successful Practice

Wall Street, money and Alternative Dispute Resolution

Why would Wall Street get interested into the ADR business?

Here is why :
Management: Family Conflicts That Can Bring A Business Down; Money and Personality Clashes Are Often the Prime Culprits

And here you can find the article by the New York Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2001/08/29/business/management-family-conflicts-that-can-bring-business-down-money-personality.html?pagewanted=all


And yes when people sue members of their own family things usually get uglier and so does their business...

Popular alternative dispute resolution promoters : Oprah and Dr. Phil

Conflict resolution alternatives are more and more popular. Especially in the United States where big names in entertainement like Dr. Phil and Oprah use conflict resolution skills in their own interventions or through their own products.

You can go here to read Oprah's view on conflict resolution and empowerment : 

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Make-Life-More-Peaceful-How-to-Resolve-Conflict
http://stevemehta.wordpress.com/2011/04/18/oprah-comes-to-mediation/
http://www.oprah.com/oprahradio/Self-Empowerment

Dr. Phil on the other hand uses empowerment as a tool in his mediations and practices: 

http://www.drphil.com/search/results/empower
http://drphilfoundation.org/success---yep

By the way even if I understand the role people like these play in the alternative dispute resolution business and promotion I have a hard time to accept their interventions.
Indeed I analysed some of Dr. Phil and Oprah's shows and even if they talk about empowerment they still tell people what to do and direct them to the ``right`` choices. For example : You should leave your husband or you should place your kids, etc.
Phil and Oprah have a business and they have to make people believe that they KNOW what is best for them.
But real empowerment is about trusting people that they can make their own choices GOOD or BAD, not telling them what to do but support them on their own road....even if it is not the best for them.
My job is to support people in making their choices and accept the responsability of the decisions they make.

That's my view of ADR and empowerment.

Group conflict

Group conflict is the worst kind of conflict. It quickly becomes viral and it gives a false sense of power and control to its followers.
Lately conflicts between different groups have entered a new era of hate and collective narcissism.
When you open a newspaper nowadays it is often on the front page.

Here are some examples of division and group conflict :

Political : capitalist, ecologist, socialist, etc.
Ethnical : black, white, latino, etc.
Religion : muslim, jew, christian, etc.
Class : rich, poor, middle-class, etc.
Gender/sexual orientation : woman, men, gay, etc.


Every time you first see what is DIFFERENT with somebody before seeing what you have in common there is a conflict risk. And when you seek comfort just in people who are exactly like you, you can easily go to extremes.

Learn more on group conflicts



Race, Ethnicity, Gender, and Class: The Sociology of Group Conflict and Change



Paradoxes of Group Life: Understanding Conflict, Paralysis, and Movement in Group Dynamics (Jossey-Bass Business & Management)

My top 5 conflict management books

Here they are in order:

Number 1:       

The Coward's Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight


Number 2:      

Developing Your Conflict Competence: A Hands-On Guide for Leaders, Managers, Facilitators, and Teams (J-B CCL (Center for Creative Leadership))


Number 3:        

How To Reduce Workplace Conflict And Stress: How Leaders And Their Employees Can Protect Their Sanity And Productivity From Tension And Turf Wars


Number 4:    

The Conflict and Communication Activity Book: 30 High-Impact Training Exercises for Adult Learners


Number 5:    

Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies

Why do you need conflict resolution skills?

Because first of all, managing a conflict is not easy and is something you can learn.

And is something you CAN get better at. Very few people are born with a natural talent to resolve every conflict they encounter.

As you learn to walk, to talk, to drive a car, etc. it is by learning and by using what you have learned that you evolve as a person.

To prevent or to resolve a conflict is the same thing. First you have to learn some basic conflict resolution skills, then you have to apply them to your everyday life and afterwards you have to reflect on your actions and how you can improve them.

You can find here some basic explanations about conflicts and the conflict cycle:

http://www.aiksaath.com/conflict.html

About me

When I was younger I used to fear, hate or avoid conflicts.

Like many people I thought that I didn't have any control over a dispute. Things happen because they happen and I couldn't do anything about it.

Yet conflicts surround us every single day and they are part of our lives, because everytime we build a relation we put ourselves at risk of a misunderstanding. Even identical twins have some differences, everyone of us is different. So the other person will never be 100% like us and we will have to deal sooner or later with THE DIFFERENCES.

And the way we do it, take responsabilities over it or empower ourselves in regard of those differences will determine the relationship(s) around us.

And everytime there is a conflict we CAN do something about it, we can change and transform the outcome of every single situation and build a constructive dialogue based in understanding and accepting that there can be differences.

After many years of studying and working in ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution) I am happy to say that I don't fear, hate or avoid conflicts anymore, instead I see them as an opportunity to become a better person and eventually a better human being. As a professionnel in ADR I help people to make that transition from fear or hate to the empowering process of taking control of their conflicts and work towards a positive outcome.

This blog gives some suggestions, tools and tips to better manage the inevitable conflicts that dwell within our relations and our lives.